Jumping Off The Cliff…..
Life transitions and observationsFragile
I hate feeling fragile. Like last night when I had stayed up late to wait on a particular shirt to wash and dry, and I went to get it out of the dryer and in the process I bent over and smashed my face, and glasses, into the lid of the garbage can only to discover that the shirt had gotten caught on one of those metal fins inside the dryer and was still half wet. G–dammit and f— came out of my mouth a few times and then I went to bed. But I couldn’t sleep because I was still upset, but not about the shirt and my glasses, but about being upset. I hate getting upset. It makes me feel fragile, and I hate feeling fragile.
Yes, as unreasonable as it seems, I do expect to be able to be able to float through life on a cloud of light and joy, feeling my feelings, but managing them in a sort of ethereal way that does not disturb those around me and does make me feel solid, consistent, and stable. I know, I know, this is an almost impossible goal, and I do realize this in my logical brain, but somewhere in the background of my subconscious, this is what I expect of myself. So when I get upset, I get upset about being upset.
This is what I was thinking about when I finally fell asleep last night. And this morning after I did my exercise and was in legs up the wall pose breathing deeply, I had a revelation. My bad feelings about getting upset belong in the same category as my bad feelings about being depressed. If you’ve read previous posts, you know that I have had a life long battle with, sometimes severe, depression, and that about 3 months ago I realized that though the depression was uncomfortable and difficult, it was how I felt about being depressed that was really the issue. Those feelings of failure and self-flagellation were what took me deeper into the pit of despair, and upon coming to this realization, I decided to embrace those times of depression, to acknowledge those feelings as valid and to allow myself to feel what I feel, and not to judge my feelings. This morning I realized I need to do the same thing with my feelings about getting upset. (As a side note, I haven’t taken any antidepressant medication in over 3 months and I have manged quite well. There have been a few times when I could feel the depression descending upon me, but I applied my new found theory with good results.)
The more difficult challenge about embracing my feelings when get upset is that with depression, I can almost always keep it to myself, if I choose to. If other people are around when I get upset, however, they are going to know it, like my son who was in the kitchen last night when I bent over to get my wet shirt out of the dryer. I have never been comfortable with times when my upset words or behavior have been witnessed by others, especially if it affects them in a negative way. (Or, god forbid, if it risks them realizing that I am not an ethereal being floating through life on a cloud of light and joy.) So my goal now is not only to recognize my upset feelings as valid, and to also make peace with how my upset behavior might affect others. Hopefully, the result will be similar to that of the depression theory: by validating my own feelings, and not judging myself as a failure, the upset feelings themselves will diminish as will any upset behavior that might affect others.
We’ll see. I’ll let you know how it goes. But for now, I’m feeling pretty full of light and love.
Shit Happens
Shit happens. This is my new philosophy of life. No more straining over the significance of life, the examination of every detail and event, or the obsession with making the best right choice all of the time. No more entertaining the possibility that there are forces conspiring against me, or working on my behalf for that matter. Just acceptance that life just is. The events of my life do not necessarily mean anything. They just are. I now choose to accept it, move through it, roll with it, but not to make more out of it than it is. I have not adopted this philosophy lightly. There has been a great deal of thought and consideration of a variety of life philosophies and religious belief systems invested before coming to this conclusion.
But here’s the thing, “good” and “bad” things occur in our lives, in everyone’s lives, everyday. EVERYONE! No matter who we are, how we were raised, what we believe, or how we live our lives. Good and bad things happen. The only thing that makes any difference at all is how we respond to these events when they happen because our response can dramatically affect the ultimate effect the event has upon us. Even the definition of whether the event is “good” or “bad” depends almost completely upon our perception of that event, and how we respond to it. (What is “good” for me might be “bad” for someone else.)
We are taught that if we believe the right thing, do the right thing, work hard enough, care enough, think positively enough, want it bad enough, then the things we desire will come into our lives. AND, we can avoid pain, suffering, and loss. Whether it is through this type of effort or prayer, meditation, positive thinking, affirmations, or personal sacrifice, we exert a great deal of energy in the attempt to control our lives. More specifically to try to get what we want while trying to keep “bad” things from happening to us and/or our loved ones.
We are taught that these things work by our families, our churches, and our society. But frankly, it’s a crock-of-shit. Life experience, ours and other’s, tell us so. How many times have you, or someone you know, done all the “right” things to still have it all go terribly wrong? Conversely, how many times have you, or someone you know, done absolutely nothing to deserve a beautiful thing that came your way? Why is it so hard for us to accept the possibility that our lives, and the events occurring within them, are simply random? Is it because this would detract from the idea that our lives have some purpose?
Now, I’m not saying we should all abandon our morals and personal integrity, and go out and live a life of crime and depravity because it doesn’t matter anyway. But what I am saying is, that if we can let go of the need to to cling so tightly to the belief in our own significance, and the desire to control all aspects of our lives, and instead just embrace the fact that shit happens, we might be happier and healthier in the long run.
Baby Steps
I just completed a full yoga routine for the first time since the car accident I had in May of last year. I am thrilled. That accident, and the resulting injuries, changed almost everything about how I physically function in my life. The most heartfelt loss was the inability to continue doing yoga – my favorite form of exercise. Actually, yoga is about more than exercise for me. It is directly connected to my spiritual well being, which is directly connected to every other type of well being. For years, yoga and meditation have been a part of my morning practice. Together, they prepared my body, mind, and spirit for what the day may, or may not, hold. It was an essential part of my ability to move through my life in a centered and whole manner.
After the car accident my whole body was hurt, but my right knee was seriously injured. Later, my right arm would become a problem as well. I was also in the midst of the turmoil and toxicity in my work environment that would climax in the fall, and would ultimately cause me to quit my job. Between the physical and emotional strain, and the inability to practice the activities that were most healing and restoring to me, this past year has taken quite the toll on me. I’ve attempted many alternate forms of exercise, meditation, and prayer, as well as giving yoga a try now and then, to try and deal with this trauma in a positive and restoring way, but with only marginal results. I have been frustrated and irritated and discouraged at times.
However, lately, I’ve been feeling strong enough to try again. At first I thought I would try to construct my own yoga practice, but I found it to be cumbersome and awkward, and I missed having someone talking me through it. So I decided I would get out one of my yoga dvd’s and just do as much as I was able. I did that, and except for one pose that I felt would put too much strain on my knee, I was able to do the entire routine. It felt great! My arm is sore, and I’m waiting to see how my knee feels, but as long as I don’t feel like the pain indicates injury, I plan to continue doing as much as I can as often as I can. I am on my way back – finally. The first step on a journey of a thousand miles.
Family Relations
My daughter has come home. She is an adult, and has been living in another state for the past few years, but now she has come home. She will be living with me indefinitely, and her children will be here often as well. I’m sure this will also mean I will get to see even more of my older son and his family too. My quiet life will be shaken up and turned upside down. And I couldn’t be more pleased.
As an only child, having my alone time has always been important to me. No, more than that. Essential to my well being. In my past life (pre-1992) I was desperate for alone time. I seized every opportunity to get it, and always wanted more. Part of this desperation was born of an unhealthy and dysfunctional life that I ultimately broke free of. But over the years it became an inner mantra… more alone time. All alone.
In a few years my youngest child will be grown and (probably) out of the house. Thus will commence my “empty nest” period. Though I realize what a difficult transition that time may be, I also anticipate it excitedly. FINALLY! Alone. Really, truly alone!
However, here lately, there has been a niggly little thought nudging the back of my brain. I’ve had more and more alone time in the past few months, and I’m discovering that being alone isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Maybe, it’s not what is best for me. Maybe, it’s not even what I really want.
As I anticipate the upheaval in my life that my daughter’s presence will cause, I find myself excited, stimulated, and eager. It will be challenging in some ways, but definitely manageable, and the thought of my home being filled with the energy, laughter, and love of more of my children and grandchildren fills my heart with joy.
I’m sure I will be able to carve out sufficient alone time in the process. And in the meantime, I get to enjoy my daughter, her children, and my older son and his family, in a way I haven’t been able to for a long time. This is what I really want and need. My family. All around me. Upsetting my quiet routine. And I couldn’t be more pleased.
Depression and Demons
It hit me today. It’s been a few weeks off the Wellbutrin, and today it hit me. I haven’t been feeling quite right for a few days, and this morning I started crying in the car. No reason. Just crying. And I realized it had started.
I am taking this summer off from school and work. I know. I am so fortunate to be able to do that. I planned carefully to make this happen because I knew I needed it. Desperately needed it. Time. Uncommitted time. To heal, restore, resolve, and make some major life changes. One of those changes is learning to manage the depression without medication.
Other life changes are involved in this effort. Healthy eating, moving my body, becoming more spiritually centered. I think if I nourish myself well physically and spiritually, I will be able to manage the emotional ebbs and flows, and that these emotional ebbs and flows will be fewer, further between, and less severe.
This summer I will find out if I am right or not.
I have always seen my battle with depression as something to fear, dread, hate. Something to get over, defeat, get under control, medicate. Something that makes me feel like a failure, and that can ruin the most perfect day. A personal demon to battle against, and when I fail, to feel completely defeated by, which only makes the depression worse.
Here is a recent revelation I had about my lifelong battle with depression. Maybe, just maybe, it is a gift. When I have a dark day, I stop. I stop everything because I am incapable of functioning normally. I stop. I turn inward. I contemplate. I talk to god. I rest. I cry. I sleep. I think. I write. I sit. I feel. I breathe. I stop.
These days are painful, distressing, and discouraging. But the main thing that makes them that way is how bad I feel about being depressed. Not the depression itself. These dark days force me to stop the incessant movement, ticking off items on the unending to do list. They make me stop, and rest, and talk to god, and listen to my heart. This is good! The painful side of it really is mainly caused by me being so upset that I am depressed.
So maybe, just maybe, if I can approach these days with a different attitude, the experience will be a different one. Embrace them. Allow the feelings to flow without judgment or rejection. Seize the opportunity to rest, reflect, talk to god, listen to my heart. Allow the healing, the restoration, the introspection to flow through me, and do its work. And then to emerge from that time feeling like something healthy and good has occurred instead of feeling like a failure because I was not able to fend of the depression and maintain the expected facade.
Maybe, just maybe, these times are simply a reflection of a highly sensitive soul that needs to be cared for, and if it is not receiving that care on a daily basis, it gets the attention it needs any way it can.
So, I am focusing more on my physical health (back on the cleanse), and spiritual health (quiet time, meditation, study) to fortify my soul on a daily basis. And when days like today come and I start feeling sad, cry easy, or otherwise feel emotionally unstable, I will stop. Stop and listen, breathe, cry, talk, write, whatever feels right at the moment. And I will not judge myself or my feelings. I will simply embrace the moment and allow it to be what it needs to be, and move on from there.
This is going to be a very interesting summer.
End of the Cleanse
Sunday was the official last day of the cleanse I’ve been on for the past 3 weeks. It has been an interesting experience. I feel lighter, I find that I am satisfied – really satisfied – with less food, my stomach is flatter, I haven’t had one allergy attack (except when I ate the vegetarian sushi that had high fructose corn syrup in it), and after the first 5 days I haven’t had a headache. I am sleeping without the help of medication, I have more energy, and overall I just enjoyed the process. Oh, I should also mention I lost 7 1/2 pounds. The weight loss is nice, but it isn’t what this cleanse was about for me.
Honestly, I was hoping for a more dramatic change in my overall well-being, but I feel good about what I got. Good enough that I intend to continue being vegan and keeping my gluten, sugar, caffeine, and alcohol consumption moderate. I really don’t want to lose the momentum I have gained with this cleanse. I admit, at times I really do want a cheeseburger or steak or pizza, but I know how I would feel after I ate it and that keeps me on track. It’s just not worth it. Now, that’s not saying that there may not come a time when it feels like it would be worth it, and I may make a different decision at that time, but not now.
I would highly recommend this cleanse – the 21 day cleanse by Kathy Freston – to anyone who feels ready to make this kind of commitment for three weeks. And I will say that I am sure it helped a great deal that I was home during this time and not working. My office, like many others, is always abundant with sugary treats and a schedule that doesn’t always allow for eating when you need to. Being home and having that extra level of control over my environment and time greatly contributed to my success on this cleanse.
School is just starting, however, and I still have a lot to talk about so I will continue this blog. I’ll also keep you updated on how the vegan thing goes. I’ll check back in with you soon.
Linda
Financial… Aid?
Classes start tomorrow. I am taking graduate courses that will apply toward the doctoral program when/if I am accepted. So, I am considered a GTMP – which is a graduate student who is not yet affiliated with a specific degree program. Now, I have spoken with the financial aid department several times over the past few months and each time I have spoken to a different person. EVERY time I called I was told that my financial aid was in order, my award had been processed, all was well. EVERY one of the people I talked to knew I was GTMP.
So… I called yesterday morning to check on my financial aid again because it hadn’t yet been posted and I am told that if a student has GTMP status they cannot receive financial aid and that my award had been canceled. I was on the phone with this particular lady for half an hour explaining my situation and that I never been told this before, but it didn’t matter. If I do not declare a major, I do not get financial aid.
Panic and tears set in immediately. Remember, I have quit my job. My only income will be my financial aid and my retirement account. This situation jeopardized everything I had planned for, not to mention buying groceries! My friend Lonie is completing the program I am applying to, and has a good working knowledge of how things work on campus, so I called her for ideas. She helped me to breathe and calm down and then suggested I call the Graduate School and the Ombudsman (in case you don’t know, the ombudsman is a student advocate that helps you solve problems).
I called the Graduate School and the lady I spoke with was useless, but as I was talking with her I got an idea. I completed my masters in Interdisciplinary Studies last May. Now IS is a lot like general studies, you basically get to create your own degree plan within certain parameters. This major has several emphases so I thought maybe, just maybe, they could let me declare this as a major again, temporarily.
So I emailed my graduate advisor, told him my situation, and asked him what he thought. He called me later and said that though they don’t normally do that sort of thing, since he knows me and my situation, he would allow it. Breathe a sigh of relief! I gushed all over him thanking him repeatedly and immediately got online to complete the necessary forms. It will take a little while for all of this to get processed, so it will still be 2-4 weeks before I get my financial aid, but I will get it. Yeah! I don’t have to go work at McDonalds!
Today I have an appointment with the Ombudsman to see if I qualify for an emergency loan. And I’m also going to Student Business Services to apply for an emergency book loan and ask them to please not drop me from my classes since my tuition will not be paid on time. So, ultimately, it will all work out. I’m just hoping that my electric doesn’t get cut off and that I can buy groceries in the meantime.
The moral of this story is NEVER trust bureaucratic organizations to give you complete information or to do their job correctly. I had no way of knowing that as a GTMP I could not get financial aid unless someone told me (or I looked it up in the catalog, but why would I do that when I thought I had all the information I needed?), and no one told me. Not the Graduate School or the financial aid department.
If you are in college, or in any kind position to be depending on a bureaucratic organization to do something, make sure you look under every rock for information. Inform and arm yourself with the policies and procedures. This will protect you from situations like this, and you will be a better advocate for yourself if you get screwed because someone didn’t do their job right.
Yet another life lesson.
Simplicity
I have been watching more t.v. these days since I’m home more, and I am noticing that most talk shows, information shows, and commercials are focusing on weight loss. This is expected since it is the beginning of a new year, but as I have been watching these shows, I am realizing just how simple my diet choice has become while doing the cleanse.
(I am using the word “diet” to address how I am eating, not as a weight loss program. I do need to lose weight for my health, and I am expecting this to be a nice perk from eating this way, but I am not doing this cleanse for weight loss. I am doing it for my overall health and well being.)
Going on this cleanse has been a big adjustment, but the choices are pretty simple and clear. It’s not that there aren’t options, there really are a lot of good options, it’s just that the boundaries are clear so that makes the choices easy. And I don’t need to buy special food scales or other diet paraphernalia. Just my food.
Over the years one of my biggest frustrations with trying to eat healthy and loose weight was confusion. So many theories. So many people telling me what I should and should not be doing. And they are all different. I’ve tried virtually every weight loss diet and healthy eating program there is, and it was always so confusing or frustrating that I never stuck with it long. With this cleanse, I don’t have to think about calorie counting, fat content, or portion control. I just eat what I’m allowed to eat, whenever and however much I want, and I’m good.
I’m talking about the cleanse right now because that is what I am doing, but I am seriously considering continuing with this lifestyle after the 21 days, so I am thinking long term. It’s just nice not having to worry about all the ifs, ands, buts, and shoulds. And, I feel good, I’m not hungry, and I don’t have that “wow that was great but now I feel like crap” experience after I eat.
Simple is good.
Linda
The Cleanse
The cleanse I am doing lasts for 21 days during which I am consuming no: animal products (including honey), sugar, caffeine, alcohol, or gluten. That leaves me with fruits, vegetables, beans, and other specialty products to eat.
Things are going pretty well for me on this cleanse, but I did plan it well. I started it the Monday after Christmas. The holidays were over and my last day at work was the 23rd, so I was able to give it my complete focus. The previous weekend I went grocery shopping. So, on Monday I was good to go.
The first 5 days I experienced headaches, nausea, diarrhea, and lethargy. I expected this, and it wasn’t severe, so I managed okay. After that my energy level begin to increase and I began noticing differences in my health. I was taking a lot of allergy medicine before I began the cleanse and I haven’t needed it at all since I started. I was also taking Benedryl to help me sleep at night, and I am now sleeping fine without it. I also feel like I am thinking more clearly.
Finding foods I can eat has been an adventure, but not too difficult really. I am grateful I’ve had the time to search grocery and health food stores and read labels. Gotta read those labels! I’ve had to return a few things after I discovered they had gluten or sugar in them. Eating out can be difficult, but most places have baked potatoes (or fries) and salad. The biggest challenge I’ve had so far was last Sunday when we went to lunch at an old fashioned diner and the ONLY things on the menu I could eat were the salad (without the cheese) and french fries. The french fries may or may not have been fried in animal fat, but I had them anyway.
If you are interested in doing this sort of thing, this cleanse can be found in Kathy Freston’s book: Quantum Wellness 21 Day Cleanse. She has two books on quantum wellness, so if you are interested in the cleanse, be sure you get the one that says “21 Day Cleanse” in the title.
One thing I like about Kathy’s approach is that she isn’t a perfectionist. She acknowledges that life happens and just encourages you to do the best you can in the circumstances you find yourself in. Another thing I like is that she emphasizes your spiritual, emotional, and mental journey as much s she does the physical. She guides you day by day through the cleanse with information, encouragement, and meditation. She also gives you a good list of products to have on hand and there are recipes as well.
I feel enough better after 9 days that I think I may stay with this longer than 21 days. At the very least, I would like to remain vegan and gluten free. I think this has made a big difference in the way I feel. Another interesting thing, I have hypoglycemia – low blood sugar – and I have not had any issues with my blood sugar on this cleanse, even though I am not eating any meat or dairy, which were my previous sources of protein. Very cool!
It’s not easy, but for me, it has been worth it. I’ll let you know how I feel as time goes on.
Linda
…To See if I Can Fly
Jumping off the cliff to see if I can fly is a metaphor I use for times in my life when I make a risky choice. And it seems to me that I do this pretty often. Here I am on the brink of another cliff. I am 55, a single mom, and I’ve just quit my job of 5 years, a very secure and stable job I might add, to go back to school (again). I am also on a 21 day cleanse after which I plan to maintain and vegan and gluten free diet.
These decisions were not impulsive. They were well considered and motivated by crisis – as most drastic decisions are. Have you ever noticed that when the universe (God) wants to lead you a new direction, your comfort level gets disturbed? At least that’s how it works for me. My comfort level (complacency?) gets shaken up to the point the universe finally has my attention. Once my heart and mind become open – new direction comes my way.
In this case my work situation had deteriorated significantly. It was negatively affecting every area of my life and contributing to my declining health. The major factor in my health issues was a car accident back in May that left me with chronic knee problems. I can’t exercise, and on bad days, I can barely walk. I LOVE yoga, but even that makes the pain worse. So this fall I found myself increasingly unhappy at work, feeling mentally, physically and spiritually depleted and this resulted in a growing resolution to change my life.
As my heart and mind opened to new possibilities, I began encountering people and information that ultimately led me to new eating habits and starting course work for my doctorate. I only began the cleanse a week ago and I don’t start school until next week so these newest changes in my life are still very new.
As I considered these decisions and how dramatically they would affect my life, it occurred to me that it might be fun, and thereaputic!, to document my journey and share it with others. I am sure there are a lot of people out there going through their own dramatic life changes and it would be great if I could give you some encouragement by sharing my journey. And as you comment on by blogs, you will be giving me encouragement as well.
What do you think? Are you ready to jump off the cliff with me? I hope so. I would love to hear from you.
Linda
